Thursday, February 20, 2014

Feather in the Wind.

 I am buzzing between my life and my dreams.  I can't figure out how to juggle both; can they even both be in the same sentence?  Maybe I am crazy for even thinking they can't be.  But I have had a difficult time recently trying to put my loves in order of importance in my head.  Trying to choose whether I could live without one or the other, or if I am jeopardizing a soul for a soul-fulfilling pleasure.  How can I possibly be unbreakable. . .there is a desire to succeed, win, grow, fuel the fire within myself.  But there is a tiny hand that helplessly reaches for mine, a miniature me that begs for my attention, new eyes that stare into mine with curiosity and hope.  It's as though I am being asked to choose.  Everybody is trying to grab a hold of me, I am up and then I am down again.  I am a feather in the wind, and I can't control which direction I sway or float.  Or so it has seemed...but today was lovely.  Today I felt I conquered and got the best of both worlds.  Today I felt my life and my dreams connected for a few moments.  I even wore a necklace and my favorite Anthropology shirt knowing no one but my baby boy would see me!  It felt good [of course staying in my pajamas all day long feels good most days too!]  It felt good to know that even though it's hard, I could pick myself up and move forward.  

Sometimes I am back to the start where my heart is taking over my head.  I am tangled.  I am torn.  Too broken and bent to be fixed anymore.  Half crazy, not wanting to get out of bed, or fix lunch, or put that dirty diaper in the trash!  But that little tiny person loves the hardest parts of me, and because of that I know I can move, be victorious, be happy.  By now I should understand that things are never what they appear.  I hope I could always remember that my life will be what I CHOOSE to make of it.  I have been too blessed to give up, to slump in a corner and feel bad for what hasn't yet been accomplished.  Look at what has been and be excited for what can be.  

Her eyes scream determination.  I recently came across an old song that I used to listen to over and over again.  "Feather in the Wind", by Mindy Gledhill.  Every word to that song  still touches super close to home.  The past is always going to be there.  That super cliche phrase that tells us 'our past makes us who we are today'. . .   Stare it in the face.  Own it.  And make something of it.  I didn't expect this little rant to end up so positive, as I have been struggling with wanting to take my art and run with it, but feeling I have someone tugging on me from behind.  However, a very dear friend told me to stop letting fear control my every move.  
So I, too, am determined.  


Sheena Bates said...

Thanks for sharing. I feel like this often. It's hard sometimes realising that your life is not entirely your own anymore. Somedays all I want is to have the day to myself and to work on my photography. But I have a little person to take care of, and even though it's incredibly hard, the hardest thing I've ever done, the good moments are the sweetest I've ever known. I love what you said about not looking at what hasn't been accomplished and look at what has been. In the past two months I've nearly done as many photo shoots as I did last year. It's nice knowing I'm not the only one who is facing these struggles.

Celeste Lara said...

We are most definitely related. ;) beautifully spoken alison.

Celeste Lara said...
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